Adventures In Public Transit

Since my return from backpacking, I have been taking the transit almost everyday. And usually quite a few times in one day. Over the years of taking the “public limo”, I have figured out some of the unwritten rules of riding the greener way. Here’s my compilation:

1) a. By no means do you ever sit beside someone else if you don’t have to. People enjoy their space and are rather annoyed when you plop your fat ass beside them.

b.  If there is a row of three seats, do not sit in the middle one. You’re just being a jackass to the people that follow rule 1)a.

2) When on a bus, such as the GO bus, follow the pattern. If you’re looking at an empty row of seats and the people behind you and in front of you are sitting in the aisle seat, sit in the window seat of your row. Then you are free to adjust your seat without pissing off the people who got on the bus before you and acknowledge this etiquette.

3) a. Obnoxiously loud conversations with other passengers or on a cell phone are just that, obnoxious. No one wants to hear what you have to say, if we did, you’d be a public speaker or maybe a politician and they don’t normally take transit. And if I can hear you over my headphones with my volume at a reasonable level, yes, you are definitely talking too loud.

b. If I can hear your music and I’m not sitting next to you, or even if I am, it’s too bloody loud. Save your hearing and don’t force me to listen to your shitty music. I don’t make you listen to mine.

4) a. If someone has large and/or many items in the seat beside them and there are other seats available, go sit in those seats. That person most likely does not own a vehicle and this is how they have to live. Have you ever sat down for a hour or more with heavy things on your lap? If not, try it.

b. If you are just putting something small in the seat beside you because you don’t want someone to sit there, try the sunglasses on/headphones in/pretend you are sleeping method. It works much better. Just don’t use it too often.

5) If you are sitting in an aisle seat and the bus is getting filled up, move over to the window. Don’t make someone climb over top of you to sit down. I realize you are probbaly comfortable and your seat is all nice and warm, but you’re being an asshole.  To ensure the ability to have your seat reclined if you so choose, when you get on the bus, make sure you pick seats with no one behind you, recline both seats and voila! Problem solved!

6) Eating on transit. Now this is a tricky one because there are acceptable and unacceptable food items to bring and eat on transit. The acceptable ones don’t have a strong smell and aren’t very messy. Be courteous to your fellow riders and the ones that will sit in the seat after you. Also, pick up after yourself. I’m sure your mother taught you better than that.

7) Smelly/sweaty/fat people/sick people. I know you exist and I’m probably a horrible person for bringing this up but let’s face it- no one wants to sit beside you or have you sit beside them. Why? Because either you smell, you breathe loudly, cough, sneeze, sweat, or you’re just so grossly obese that you take up way too much room and spill over into the next seat. Don’t be offended that people don’t want you beside them, they just enjoy their personal space or their health and don’t want you intruding.

Happy transiting!

Adventures In Buying Cigarettes

This morning I needed to pick up smokes before going to work. Yes, I’m a dirty, filthy smoker. Sue me. As I was walking down the street towards my office I stopped at one of the many convenience stores. Well I tried to stop. At 8:30am on a Saturday, it was closed. Hopeful about the next three stores I would pass, I made my way towards my office. Closed. Closed. Closed. That’s when I began to wonder why they call them convenience stores. It’s not convenient for me if you are closed at 8:30am on a Saturday morning. So I spent twenty minutes walking around downtown trying to find a place to buy some cigarettes because at that point, I really needed one.

No, I Can Not Activate Your Phone

I was on a rant the other day with a friend, some what of a continuation of my post on my adventures in boredom. During the conversation with my girlfriend, I decided that I would enter politics if only to enact a law, aptly named Darwin’s Law, which would allow for the banishment and possible death of those that commit crimes against common sense and basic intelligence.

As stated in that post, I frequently deal with moronic individuals but today is definitely an instance that might win this weeks Darwin Award:

I had several lines ringing and I answered each one ” (insert company name here), hold please.”

The caller in question was then put on hold and subjected to the lovely company propaganda we have all our callers on hold listen to. After finishing up the first call, I took the caller off hold.

Me: “Thanks so much for holding. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I’m calling to activate my new phone.”

Now, some of you may find this an odd call considering that I work in real estate but when agents get new phones, numbers, or cellular providers we need to update our system so that we can send their messages to their device.

Me: “Are you one of our agents?”

Caller: “No, I just got a new phone from Bell and I think I need to activate it.”

Me: “Sir, you’ve called (insert company name here).”

Caller: “Do you activate phones?”

Me: “No sir. This is a real estate company.”

Caller: “So you don’t activate phones?”

Me: “No sir. We deal with real estate.”

Caller: *click*

Now, many people during the first few seconds of calling would have hung up after hearing a company name that included “realty” and especially after listening to the propaganda that is our hold feature. And I’m even more sure that after hearing I had no idea what he was talking about, he may have clued into the fact that he dialed the wrong number. But to ask me after I tell him the company name again followed by saying that it’s a real estate company, I’m not quite sure what he was thinking.

Darwin, where are you when I need you most? I thought you were supposed to take these people out before they hit puberty and were able to spawn?